Not All Zombies Are Evil

With most kids returning to school this week, it’s no big surprise that I began to reminisce about my days as a student. I know I make it sound like it’s been forever – and maybe it hasn’t been, since I graduated from law school just last year, but that’s not really what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the early years of schooling – elementary school. I remember being so excited about taking that annual trip to the store for school supplies – a new package of number two pencils, Pee Chees, wide-ruled spiral notebooks (picking out the right color was always such a tough decision), or even a TRAPPER KEEPER (come on kids of the ‘80s, you know what I’m talking about). But getting new school supplies only begins to describe that excitement of a start of the new school year – I loved to flaunt a brand new backpack and the well-debated first day of school outfit. Of course I also dreaded those annoying first day of school pictures taken in the backyard or in front of the school bus (my mother can vouch that I’m whining to this day about those awful boy haircuts I sported in elementary school.) But oh those glorious school bus days...

I still have nightmares about scary bus driver Peggy, with her intimidating presence and incessant use of the word “tolerate”. I remember she went through a phase where she punished the students by taping off the last three rows of the bus - imagine the riots that followed! Those last few rows were the best place to goof off (or set a firecracker off from. The neighborhood kid would probably deny to this day that he did it. The 20+ year investigation is still pending). We also loved the back of the bus to maximize the bounce factor whenever it would hit a speed bump. (Such adventures to be had on the bus explains why I had a hard time as a young student understanding why Rosa Parks was upset when she was asked to sit in the back of the bus.) But anyway, let’s switch gears now and reflect on the ever-treasured school cafeteria.

While most days in the cafeteria left the kids less than thrilled about their meal prospects (who can possibly get excited about “Mystery Meat Friday”?), there was one menu item that had the kids (including me) dancing in the milk line: the CHEESE ZOMBIE. I don’t know how it got its name or if this is something that was conceived in the Vancouver School District, but none of that really matters – what matters is to express how delicious it really was. The zombie held the essence of a grilled cheese sandwich, but instead of that crispy outside layer, it had a soft, thick, white bread outside, baked until golden. It would be cut into oversized squares, and that thick layer of melted cheese would ooze out each side with every bite. But it’s not just the zombie itself that made those days it was served in the cafeteria the most desired – that bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup completed the meal. A warm, melted cheese sandwich dipped in cream of tomato? Someone please tell me that isn’t the ultimate comfort food!

Circa 1991 may have been the last time I ate a cheese zombie, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t dreamt of the day when I could do it again. While I’ve considered doing lunch out at Harney Elementary, I thought that maybe I could try making it at home instead. My sister came across the recipe a while back for the beloved cheese zombie, and I figured there wasn’t a better time to try it out than during the first week that most schools are back in session.

I have no idea where the recipe came from (it stated it came from “memory”, which in and of itself made me a little nervous), but I figured a simple recipe of flour and other typical yeast bread ingredients couldn’t possibly yield anything horrible. I cut the recipe into a more suitable amount for my household and got to work. As I rolled out the dough for the zombie, I felt the strong urge to tuck my hair behind a hairnet. But then again, no one puts the cool in the hairnet like a lunch lady and to even pretend to be one of them would surely prove to be futile.

You probably already know this about me, but I’m going to say it again: I love cheese (see "A Love Note" post for reiteration purposes). I never thought I’d do this, but in order to complete this clatter “back to school” challenge, I sought out velvetta in the grocery store. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t search for it discreetly - I was even prepared to rearrange other items in my basket to hide it and do the self-checkout. But sadly, the velvetta was nowhere to be found except in the “singles” form (who wants to bet TSTSNBN carries it?), so I decided I needed to change my strategy: I would put my own adult spin on the zombie and use a combo of Tillamook’s extra sharp cheddar and pepper jack instead.

As the sheet of zombies baked in the oven, I reheated my tomato soup on the stove. But here’s the thing: I didn’t use Campbell’s tomato soup. I had made Ina’s roasted tomato basil soup a few days ago and thought this would be a lovely addition. Ok, I know you’re thinking – how would Allison possibly relive those fond memories of her childhood if she’s ruining the very heart of this concept? I understand your concern, and here’s my response to it: throughout my process of reinventing the cherished cheese zombie lunch, I came to a startling realization. There is nothing I could ever do that would bring back the perfection once created in that school cafeteria and served on a plastic tray. And it’s even possible that this lunch menu is only exemplary in hindsight, but there are just some things in life that shouldn’t be messed with – and the cheese zombie happens to be one of them. Life is all about avoiding regrets, and if I tarnished those very memories of the cheese zombie by trying to replicate it exactly and fall short, how could I ever forgive myself!? (Probably through expensive, intense years of therapy.) For the record, however, I’ll have you know that my adult version wasn’t too shabby – in fact it was quite scrumptious… even without a hairnet!